In this episode of Holding Space, Dr. Christopher Barker sits down with Dr. Bret Boatwright, a neurodivergent psychologist, talk about what it’s really like to move through the world as an adult with ADHD or autism. Drawing from his own ADHD diagnosis and years of assessing and treating neurodivergent adults, Dr. Boatwright explores how constant criticism, moralizing, and being misunderstood shape a person’s self‑image long before they ever get a label.

They unpack “rejection sensitivity dysphoria,” not as tantrums or fragility, but as the collapse that happens when a lifetime of being called lazy, rude, or a liar gets activated by one missed deadline or small piece of feedback. Dr. Boatwright shares how he reframes ADHD and autism away from “disorders” toward neurotypes—different, often beautiful ways of experiencing the world that come with real challenges in a society that doesn’t flex. He highlights both the pain (executive functioning struggles, masking, chronic self‑doubt) and the strengths (passion, deep focus on interests, creativity) that are often ignored.

The conversation also touches on gendered diagnosis gaps, like how many girls learn to “look” like they’re reading while actually zoning out, and why that leads to missed ADHD and autism diagnoses until adulthood. Dr. Barker and Dr. Boatwright discuss how adults who finally get a diagnosis are often rebuilding an identity that has been framed around brokenness, and what it looks like in therapy to shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What’s different about me, and how do I work with it?”

Toward the end, they introduce Damian Milton’s “double empathy problem,” a framework that suggests autistic–non‑autistic communication breakdowns are mutual and culturally based, not simply a “deficit” in autistic people. Instead of trying to make neurodivergent people more “normal,” they argue for changing the environment—offering flexibility, honoring sensory and social needs, and using language that validates rather than shames. If you’re a neurodivergent adult, a parent, or a clinician wanting more affirming, trauma‑ and difference‑informed language, this episode offers both validation and a new lens on what it means to be “NeuroSpicy” in a neurotypical world.

Connect with Dr. Bret Boatwright:
Instagram (professional): @neuro.divergent.therapist
Practice: @dipspsychology

Article mentioned on the double empathy problem (for listeners who want to go deeper): Damian Milton’s “double empathy problem,” : https://reframingautism.org.au/miltons-double-empathy-problem-a-summary-for-non-academics/

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